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buildingboats

I used to think that compartmentalization was a good thing….was a strength of mine…but the more I think about it…the more I’m good at compartmentalizing the things I shouldn’t compartmentalize…and bad at compartmentalizing that which I should compartmentalize. When I have a bad day…I think it’s pretty easy to tell…at work…at home…at school. That’s something I wish I could compartmentalize… when I’m at work and school. But what I’m really good at compartmentalizing is my desire to look at pornography…which I shouldn’t compartmentalize at all…if anything…my desire to look at pornography should be the least compartmentalized thing about me…so that when I get the desire to look at pornography I can deal with it in a healthy way…by talking to Katie about it…by talking to a counselor about it…by exercising…

Today I had to admit what looking at pornography means…what I’m doing by looking at pornography…and it made me so sick…I cried…and I got quiet.

I’ve never thought about looking at pornography as fantasizing about having sex with someone other than my wife…but that’s what it is…that’s what I’m doing…and it makes me so so so sick. I don’t want to think about it like that…but not thinking about it like that is what allowed me to compartmentalize it. I think to myself now…if I ever looked at pornography again…and told myself…”you’re thinking of having sex with another woman”…then I’d throw it away as far as I could. But I don’t think about it like that…in fact…it feels like I don’t think at all…which is how I ended up living a dream world…not confronting the conflicts that I need to confront….not dealing with the problems that need to be dealt with…not telling myself the things that need to be told.

But I’m telling myself them now…I’m confronting them now…even though it hurts…I already feel like I’m getting better…but I know that more pain is yet to come.


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