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4
buildingboats

Katie left at 3:30 this morning. It took so much strength to let her go…to make it through the night…a night of what seems infinite tears. I’ve never felt so out of control with my breathing…with my tears…with my thoughts. But I think that Katie and I said exactly what we needed to say to each other…and started healing…started talking about issues that I’ve suppressed…I was especially happy that we talked about issues of identity.

I go back in time and read my mind…and this is what it tells me. “I wanted Katie to be my wife so much that I would do anything for her”…and when I did that I think I suppressed parts of my identity…to make us match up better on a superficial way. I don’t mean to say that Katie and I aren’t matched…I think on the deepest level Katie and I belong together…forever…but I found it hard to bring out that deep connection with Katie…and make it seem real…physical…and so I settled for trying to match up more superficial connections.

Right now…I’m trying to bring out the deepest…most elemental…most raw parts of me...the parts that matter the most when connecting with my wife…the way I want to connect with my wife…but struggled with in the past…I struggled in the past with failure…now I’m going to struggle in the future with constant attempts.

I woke up this morning at 10am in an ambient induced haze. I masturbated three times and instantly regretted it. I wasn’t thinking straight…when I masturbate and think of Katie…I want it to be in total consciousness…not in some hazy phase…some fuzy memory.

I went out and bought some art supplies today…and enough hard alcohol to get wasted enough to forget my pain for a while…I think I bought the alcohol to tempt me…and to see that I can overcome temptation…I know that getting wasted isn’t a healthy coping mechanism…but I need to feel like I’m strong enough to avoid it…even at my saddest…and I was at my saddest today when I came home…to an empty house at the end of the day for the first time…I truly wanted to get wasted…but instead I called Drew…and it helped…

 


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