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Today I couldn’t wake myself up. I was so scared of what I knew I had to do. Eventually I did it…I emailed Nabil and told him that I couldn’t submit my NRSA this summer…that I would do it in Winter. I did this for a number of reasons. First, I think the NRSA was causing an unhealthy amount of stress in my life, second, I already have to write a second grant to pass my 2nd year PhD exam, and thirdly, I need time for myself to heal and work on non-work related things…exercise…therapy…reading…It was very hard to write Nabil the email letting him know that I have reached my limit…and I need to focus on my qualifying exam right now…instead of the NRSA that I know he wants me to do…

I think that acknowledging my limits is something that I need to work on both professionally and personally…so I think that this email was a step in the right direction. As of now…I haven’t read a reply from Nabil.

I also called and made an appointment with an addiction therapist. It was hard to talk with the secretary about why I needed to see him…but I did…again…I think this is a “walk of shame” that I need to admit to others…and face in order to heal. The therapy is going to cost more than I want…but I don’t think I could put a price on how much I want to heal.

Today I thought a lot about getting my tattoo. More than ever it means something to me…exercising is something that is so important to my healing…and I could never be reminded enough that “exercise defeats my addiction”. I’m still debating where I want it…I think I should put it somewhere I can see it…like my inner wrist…but I’m worried about how this would effect me professionally (which seems to me a silly worry).

Today I also read the first few entries of Katie’s journaling. After she texted me…I basically ran to the library to read what she sent me. I didn’t have my laptop…so I had to read them on the public computers…this was a BIG mistake. I underestimated my emotional response to what she wrote. I was both amazingly happy…and amazingly saddened by what she wrote.

My first overall response to her was fairly typical of me…I worried that she worried about me not writing enough about her in my journal…that she might think that if I don’t write about her in my journal that I’m not thinking about her…that I don’t miss her…that I don’t want to get back together. She should know that there is nothing farther from the truth…and that my journal writing is a reflection about me…and I purposely try not to write about her so that this doesn’t become an indirect way to talk to her (like this paragraph is). I could not keep track of the number of times I think about Katie…whether its waking up in bed…eating the foods we ate together…walking down the roads we walked together… getting undressed In the same gym…even right now I’m thinking of Katie as I listen to Oliver Sacks on The Dailiy Show.

I had a lot of fears about when Katie left…I feared (much like she did) that once Katie left that she would lose her desire to be with me…that she would be very happy without me…and full of regrets for about why she stayed with me so long.

But as much as I can tell quite the opposite has happened…which made me very happy. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lot of pain…and a lot of hurt...a lot of questions to work through. The questions are always so sad for me to read…but I know that they are natural questions to ask.  

I don’t want to talk much about the entry’s…because I think they will be talked about on the phone this Friday…but I do want to say that I was very emotionally touched by Katie’s list of hopes and goals for JWNMKN. I want to do each and everyone one of them with her…

The one that struck me the most…and which I think will make the greatest difference in our lives as a couple as we grow closer and closer together is having dinner at the dinner table once a week. It became so clear to me all of a sudden that we (mainly I) chose a very shitty and unromantic dinner table. I think I chose our current dinner table because I wanted to think of the times when we’d be having guests over…but since Katie and I haven’t really done that…I think it is time to get a new dinner table…in fact…I was so inspired by this thought that I almost called Drew up to go to IKEA and get a better dinner table…a small round table…with space for just_two.

But I resisted…but I do think that one of the first things that Katie and I should do when she comes back if she comes back is to go to IKEA and buy a loveseat (for sleeping health…back health…and better snuggling)…buy a new table (just_for_two)…and two new chairs for the dinner table.

My only worry is that Katie uses our table for doing homework…but I guess the best solution to that is to make our desk more functional…but the easiest solution seems to be to buy a new desk chair.

There are a lot of changes I’d like to make in our home…but I want to make them together.


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