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buildingboats

This much I know is true…My wife loves me…I love my wife…I fucked up…I can change.

It’s important to know what is true. It’s important to live in reality…an objective reality…not in a fairy tale land that you want to believe in…but is fake…

For so long I worship objectivism…a living in an objective reality…it’s something I need to master…

I think I got it from my parents…maybe it’s part of being an older brother…always trying to see the bright side of things…there’s a point where you need to show the bright side…but understand the dark side.

Being married isn’t like bring a brother…being married…the marriage that I want is confronting the dark side for what it is…always…and I’ve failed at that…I’ve failed at being courageous.

I can think of so many things that I want…but don’t have…and somehow…some time ago…it became OK. I never saw it as settling…I saw this…as being objectivist…as being “realistic”. Funny how what was “realistic” for me depressing…was disheartening…was pessimistic.

From now on I’m going to work at being realistic for all things…not just the sad things…not just the happy things. I want to enjoy an objective reality…not a made up reality.


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buildingboats

 

My younger brother built a boat. He did it in my parent’s backyard a few years ago. A professor of his told him that he could do it. I had my doubts. My brother has always been high minded, full of good ideas…big ideas…but a little lacking on the follow through. Keep in mind I was supportive in any way that I could be. I even helped out in small ways on the weekends that I came home from graduate school. He started with the false work…it didn’t even look like a boat at first…but he just told me that eventually it would become a boat. It took a few seasons…and half of our garage…but eventually it became a boat. I remember the joy in his eyes when he first took it out to a lake and found out that it floated. Eventually I even took a ride with him…and his boat to an island in the middle of the lake…only to find out that we weren’t the first ones on the island.

After my brother built that boat…he believed that he could do anything.

At 24…I need to build a “boat.”…I need to build myself…from scratch. I need to believe that I can do anything…and everything. Because at the moment I’m a fuck up…but worse than that…I feel like a predictable fuck-up. Someone who people can’t believe it…who I can’t believe in. I don’t even feel that special anymore…I don’t feel successful…I feel like I’m just getting by. It’s like I’ve reached my “Peter Principle Limit”. And at the same time that I refuse to accept this…I do accept it…like a cop-out…like a failure. This is why I need to build a “boat”. And probably not just one “boat”…but a hundred “boats”

So…as of today…here are my list of boats.

1)      Exercise in the morning 5 days a week.

2)      Do the dishes every night

3)      Brush my teeth every night

4)      Shower everyday

5)      Make a list of accomplishments every morning and do them

6)      Keep track of the list of accomplishments and review them every night

Some of these “boats” seems so simple…so basic…but I need to start somewhere…before I can build bigger and better boats in my life.


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