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Today I tried to ponder fear and suffering. Last night Drew and I talked about how if you recognize and acknowledge that you are suffering in your life for things in your life that you hate…then it stands to reason that you should accept suffering in your life for what you love.

It makes so much sense to me…pornography is nothing but suffering for me. It’s caused absolutely nothing but bad things to happen in my life. If I spent so much of my life suffering through the consequences of pornography…then I should equally be willing to go through any “suffering” that comes from eliminating pornography from my life. It’s weird to think of eliminating pornography as “suffering”…but obviously there will be some pain involved…because if it was easy…I would have quit it long ago.

I also pondered fear. I think I could benefit a lot from spending each morning pondering my fears…acknowledging them…so that I’m always aware of my weaknesses and am able to steer myself away that which I fear. When I’m aware of my pornography addiction…right after I’ve been caught…then it’s not difficult to keep that urge under control. However, when I’m not aware of it…when I’ve let my thoughts slide away from thinking about pornography…that seems to be a time when I’m vulnerable.

I think this might be a place in my life where meditation/prayer could really benefit me. Just a morning…where I can read aloud the statements in my life which I’m afraid of…so I can use all of my energy to avoid them.

Right now I can think of some short term and long term fears I’ll start meditating on.

Short Term

I’m fear not completing my NRSA grant
I fear not passing my qualifying exam

Long Term
I fear looking at pornography a year from now
I fear weighting 250 lbs a year from now

Both of my long term goals…are really longer than a year…but I want a year to be a bench mark for me…a time to be proud of.

A lot of things happened today. Drew and I started by conquering my fear of running in the sun. I was able to run 2 miles in 85 degree heat…which is a good start. It’s amazing how much slowing I feel like I’m running…and I don’t think it’s just me…everyone seems to run slowing in this heat. I couldn’t help but ponder that today I would have been running 13 miles in this heat at the Seattle Marathon. Next, Drew and I shopping for a dirty cloths solution for our closet…and Fit Right NW for new running shoes . Then we spent the rest of the day at Edgefield. We enjoyed pub hopping while talking about overcoming challenges in our lives…mainly about my issues with pornography. The “self help” book I’m reading has been emphasizing the importance of having a strong masculine identity to have a sexual health…and I’ve been spending a lot of time ponder things…I’m sure I’ll write about it in the future. Afterwards…we came home and I cooked Whole Foods Salmon burgers and drank a $40 bottle of Borolo which didn’t taste that amazing. We watched SNL repeats and he stayed the night. It was very hard for me to have someone other than Katie in my bed…but I didn’t want to put Drew on the floor.