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There are so many ways I want to improve myself…so many things I want to change. At first it’s overwhelming…saddening…maybe even a hint of depressing…but then I force myself to think that this IS life. Life is the journey of improvement…and I constantly am fighting my “A personality” assumption that improvement is a straight line from “point A” to “point B”. Like in the way that life is more an unstructured poem than a song that has a verse followed by a chorus…followed by another verse…a chorus…a bridge…and another chorus (at least most of the time).

Life has a theme…and it’s up to me to choose the theme…I want it to be “Love”…I want to ooze love…love of work…love of my wife…love of my life…love of my future children…love of my future pets…

Maybe it’s stating the obvious…but life has ups and downs. After talking to mom about dad’s problems in the past with pornography she told me something that somewhat surprised me…but it mimics my own experience. She told me that after everytime dad has confronted his problem with pornography…he has learned something new about himself and become a much happier person. (For the record…this is not an endorsement of learning about yourself by engaging in self destructive behavior).

I think that when you confront a bad behavior in your life…you are forced to learn something about yourself that you were ignorant of before…namely why you were engaging in the bad behavior….the triggers…and how to avoid those triggers. In my life…I’ve learned that I love exercising for many reasons…it keeps me healthy physically…it shows me how I’m improving myself…it relieves my stress which reduces the urge for pornography…it improves my self image…and it’s a joy/lifestyle that I can share with Katie.   

As much as I know that exercise is healthy for me…I know that I need to try to find deeper reasons why I look at pornography and better ways to prevent myself from looking at it. I think this will be both a painful and shameful experience…both of which are reasons it will be healing…healing of all the scars created by pornography in my life.


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