This is the first year in…probably my whole life…where I successfully stayed away from the Go Fourth festival. There was a temptation on my part…to go see the “spray paint” guy and get a small painting for our bathroom. I feel like our bathroom is missing something…in particular…something artistic…my only worry is the bathroom isn’t the best place for “art”…because it becomes a steam room for showers and baths.

I woke up at about 10am and decided I had better practice for Edgefield because any golf course that is “sold out” of slots must have some pretty good players…so I had better get my “best game on”…so I woke Drew up and we went to Mint Valley and hit a small bucket of balls and played the par 3 course. I am very grateful for this practice…it helped me to find all the clubs I needed…as well as some of the supplies that help me not injure myself (golfing glove). Going to Mint Valley brought up some tough childhood memories for both Drew and Me. I can distinctively remembering Dad taking Drew and I to the course…and being frustrated with how bad Drew was playing…Drew on the other hand…couldn’t believe how small the course was…because he remembers it being “huge” when he played. Either way…I think it helped for both of us to both practice…and reflect on the past a bit. Drew’s a much better golfer than I remember…he really impressed me with his play…I think he even impressed himself…so much that he invited me golfing in Rome if he can find a course :p.

Eventually Dad bailed on Drew and I to go golfing because of his back…which is OK…I was a little disappointed…and probably more judgmental and pissed than I should have been…but it’s something I’m working on. We had to speed a bit to get to Edgefield…but we got there…put on a load of sunscreen on and went to golf. While golfing I had 2 “Ruby’s”…which were extremely expensive…but it was worth it…to feel “adult” and try to golf while slightly tipsy. It turned out that the people we golfed with Randy and Chase were horrible golfers…so the practice at Mint Valley wasn’t necessary…but it certainly helped us to enjoy our time at Edgefield. I made 1 BIRDIE!!!! I couldn’t believe it…that one birdie…and another 11 foot put made the whole experience worth while. Drew said it’s the most fun he’s EVER had while “tipsy”…which I think is an incredible compliment considering some of the stuff he did in Slovakia…

This kinda is jumping ahead to what I wanted to talk about later…but I think that Katie leaving has allowed Drew and I to connect on a brother to brother level that didn’t seem possible when Katie was around. I think that on some level…Katie knew this…and pressured me to try to connect to Drew on that level again. I’m not sure why I resisted so much…I guess when I think about it…I didn’t realize how much I missed it. I also think that one of the best things you can do to bring you close to someone is to confide in them…and I think that confiding to Drew my problems with pornography is something that has brought us together closer…so I don’t think that Drew and I growing closer is all about Katie leaving…and I certainly don’t believe that the opposite is true that when Katie comes back it’ll decrease my relationship with Drew.

I finally got a response from Nabil today that he agree’s with my decision to focus on my Qualifying Exam. I had a feeling that I handled the situation the best way I could by stating my belief strongly…Nabil responds the best when you are sure of yourself…which is something I’m working on professionally and personally.

Later when Drew and I came home…and I spent some time catching up on journaling…Katie called and was very distraught. Mostly because of the conversations that she had with Nana…but also because she felt that I had been neglecting her. I take full responsibility for neglecting her...when we reconciled on Thursday…I wasn’t exactly sure how we wanted to move forward. While I was excited that she was coming back…I still felt separated and distant…and wasn’t sure if talking on the phone would have made those feelings better. Katie on the other hand felt that if we reconciled then we should be talking together more often…almost everyday.

If I had asserted myself…and asked her what she envisioned for the interim period before she will be back in my arms…then this part of the conflict wouldn’t have happened…but it did happen and I feel pretty shitty about it.

But beyond that…Nana asserted her strong belief to Katie that she feels I’m a shitbag husband…and always will be for the rest of our relationship and that Katie must have shit for brains if she thinks that she can ever trust me again. The last sentence might have been a slight exaggeration…but its certainly true to the spirit of what Nana told Katie.  Am I pissed off at what Nana said…YES…can I understand where she is coming from…yes…Nana is doing her best to be protective of Katie…which is something I very much support…but I think Nana is taking her role as a grandmother a bit too far.

Nana’s part of this story is the bad part…Katie’s part is inspirational. I feel so so so so blessed to have a wife who not only can stand up for herself and her own decisions even if her family doesn’t support her…but that she can stand up for me when I’ve just made a major mistake compromising our relationship. It really brings me to tears when I think about it…how much courage and inner strength my wife has…I can only hope to show her the same sort of strength if my family ever pulls a “Nana.” I think there is also a sad part of this story…and that is Nana and Katie’s relationship has suffered…which is something I never wanted to see…I wish I could just call Nana and let her vent her frustration on me…and tell her how lucky SHE is to have Katie in her life…and that she is putting that in jeopardy by not listening and respecting Katie’s feelings.

After feeling helpless to make Katie feel any better…I went and watched fireworks with Drew. Was it enjoyable…kinda…but most of all I felt a tremendous absence…that of Katie in my arms…sitting on some stairs…watching fireworks…while she videotaped everything. I feel incredibly guilty…guilty that I took this holiday away from us together…guilty that I took away showing Beth and Andrew Seattle…guilty that for a lot of things…and contemplating these things…really ruined my 4th.

Next year this will change.


Log in

No account? Create an account